Refusal of the Return

Our soul’s journey sooner or later calls us to return to the world and share our ‘boon’ with the world. The boon is the blessing or gift that we may wish to bestow upon others, after finding bliss and peace in the other world. Often we do not want to return to the hustle and bustle of the ordinary world. We refuse to go back to the place from which we were once casted. At least, that how it is for me.

When I was about to be born I refused to get out of the womb. The midwife literally had to me pull out. But there I was anyway. I now understand, more than anything else, that this ‘refusal’ was a reflection of the part of me that did not want to be born. It was also a deep pattern of hiding in the dark, rather than living fully in the light. When I was invited to speak at the Inner Peace Conference in October this pattern re-emerged like never before.

I spend the last 12 years of my self-employment in relative anonymity just doing my thing. I was comfortable not being known and just serving those who came to me. But getting on stage and sharing my story with a large audience (100+) was a game I never played. All of a sudden everything was up and I had to face the odds. Only a few weeks to get my story straight and show up prepared.

I had to own new layers of anger, fear and sadness before I could get up on stage. I even went to Los Angeles and met a lot of amazing people, like world-renowned speaker Lisa Nichols, who bestowed their boon upon me. In the finals days with the help of a special someone I brought it all together. On the day of the speech I rode my bike to the venue and cried my eyes out. Only to find myself in bliss as I got on stage and delivered my message.

The response from the audience was wonderful and the personal effect very liberating. I know that the refusal, and all it contained, was the way. It was the ultimate preparation. Where there is a refusal, there is a longing. I had to integrate this duality within myself first, before if I was able to get on stage and speak from a heartfelt and vulnerable place.

I look forward to my next public performance a few weeks from now in Boulder, Colorado. For my deepest longing is to answer the call to return, master both worlds, and bestow my boon upon those who wish to receive it.

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